When Married Women Dump Their Single Girlfriends

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4 Reasons Married Women Should Think Twice Before Breaking-Up With Their Friends

When a woman gets married, one of the issues she is faced with is how close she should remain to her single friends. This may become a serious dilemma because married couples, her mom, her pastor, her dog, all say that it is improper to maintain close relationships with women who are not in the “club.” Before you decide to give your single girlfriends their pink slips, the following are four things you should consider prior to dismissing thing.

1.) If she was good enough to be your friend before you got married, she should be good enough to be your friend after you say “I do.”

I often hear the argument that married people should only hang around married people because their single friends will unduly influence them.  If she was truly a friend before you were married, did she change once you were married? If you are concerned about her negative influence, chances are you should not have been friends with her in the first place because that is a character issue that was there before you jumped the broom. A true sister-friend will not want any harm to come to you or your marriage. She is not the type of person to influence you to do anything other than seek answers for your marriage yourself. Furthermore, during times of distress, your single friends may surprise you and have your back in a way that your married friends either cannot or will not. Needless to say, your sisterships are bound to go through some changes because you have to devote time to your family; however, completely shutting out your single friends for no reason other than relationship status is another matter. If she was good enough for you when you were single, and if marital status is the only thing that has changed, she should be good enough to be your friend after you are married.

2.) “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is not just a trite saying.

Reaping and sowing, karma, or whatever else you call it, is real. Put yourself in your sister’s shoes. You may have had a friend-girl break-up with you after she got married or met her new boyfriend for the moment. Did that make you feel warm and tingly inside? Chances are it did not and the closer you were the more it hurt when you were cast aside. Remember how you felt when you are deciding whether or not to continue your relationships with your single friends.

3.) Divorce is devastating, but it is not Ebola. It is not something you can catch. 

When someone is the casualty of “The Big D,” on top of having to deal with her own emotions and thoughts of failure due to the marital break-up, she also has contend with the emotional fallout of losing married “friends.” Her divorce is viewed as a highly contagious disease. It is akin to having Ebola. Other than her marital status, what is different about her that made you lose the desire to be her friend? If she did not suddenly become a threat to your peaceful existence, or you were not on the outs for some other reason, what changed?

4.) What would Jesus Do?

I saved the best for last. For my Christian friends and family, “What would Jesus do?” What do you believe He would think about how you have treated someone who is downtrodden? No matter your feelings on whether or not divorce is ever permissible, once you are put into a situation to have to address someone who has been through this ordeal, do you do what Jesus would do? Would you love them anyway or cut ties without a thought because they are no longer in the circle? Nothing in God’s character tells me that He would be okay with a separation of a friendship that is based solely on ego and pride and not some legitimate reason.

I have experienced being dumped by my “friends” as a divorced woman. With the exception of one of my college friends, both pre-marriage friends and post-marriage friends decided it was best to step away. The loss of these “friendships” made the marital break-up even more painfully heartbreaking. This is why I make it my mission to not un-friend someone in real life simply because of a change in relationship status. If being in a relationship with a sister-friend becomes toxic, that is one thing; however, to dump her just because she is no longer- or never was- in the “diamond club,” that is just wrong. If this has been your motivation for distancing yourself from someone who calls you a girlfriend, perhaps taking a hard look at your definition of love and friendship is in order.

Healthy female relationships are one of God’s blessings and a real friend is hard to find. That is why it is important to think long and hard about ditching your girlfriends all because you now have a ring and they do not. Your sister deserves so much better than that.

In my next post I will be discussing the day I found out I was the “back-up friend.”

Stephen A. Smith Versus Michelle Beadle and Raising a Generation of “Bad Bitches”

On Air

Why Stephen A. Smith Was Right… Sort Of


Recently, ESPN2’s “First Take” sportscaster- Stephen A. Smith was suspended for comments regarded as some to mean that abused women can be to blame by provoking men to violence. His colleague, Michelle Beadle took to Twitter to display her disgust and dismay by comparing Smith’s comments to someone getting sexually assaulted for wearing a skirt. As a survivor and advocate, I find Beadle’s comment emotion baiting and in extremely poor taste.

There is a difference between a woman, minding her business, walking down the street who gets accosted by a man and a woman, who decides she wants to put her hands on a man.

It is no surprise, however, that so many are outraged by Smith’s comment which was taken completely out of context. At no time did he blame a domestic violence victim for being abused. Maybe he could have chosen better wording, maybe not. The point he made, however, cannot rationally be disputed- people need to keep their hands to themselves or bad things could happen. Unfortunately, in this day and age, the BB Movement (BBM) has taken over and some believe that the “BBs” bad behavior is acceptable because of their sex.

When matters such as abuse arise, many want to end the conversation with, “Men shouldn’t hit women- period.” Where there is a period in that sentence, however, there should be a comma. The reality is that men should not hit women and women should not hit men. Domestic violence is domestic violence whether it’s the man or the woman who is the abuser. We have been sucked into the “BBM” when we teach our girls and young women that it is okay for them to behave in any unruly manner they want because of their gender. Not only is this problematic, but it is dangerous, because getting physical with the wrong person could end the girl’s life.

Listen to the Now With Nicole Podcast

“Stephen A. Smith versus Michelle Beadle and Domestic Violence in Sports”

All people need to learn not to hit others. Self-control is not just for men. The only issue I take with Smith is that provocation becomes a moot point when each person decides to control his or her own actions. As a believer in Christ, one of the major lessons I was taught was to pursue peace as much as it is up to me and to not be a stumbling block for my brother. Any person who puts their hands on another- be it man-on-woman, woman-on-man, man-on-man, or woman-on-woman, he or she has violated this principle and may face the consequences of doing so. This does not mean that abuse is right; it just means that it is a very real possibility when you act violently. Being a “bad b” can get you killed.

Photo Credit publik16 via photopin cc

The Quip Simulcast: Hobby Lobby, Women’s Rights, and Protecting the LGBT Community

The Quip Podcast/Google Hangout Simulcast

Uncovering Hobby Lobby, Women’s Rights, Protecting the LGBT Community, and More

July 9, 2014

Join us for tonight’s episode of The Quip Podcast/Google Hangout Simulcast as we cover the Hobby Lobby ruling, laws affecting women and the LGBT community, and much more. 

Chivalry Didn’t Just Die, We Killed It

The Quip Podcast

Air Date: 6/18/2014

Now With Nicole: Chivalry Didn’t Just Die, We Killed It

On today’s episode of The Quip, we pose the question, “You Can Do it All, But Why?” Why is it so hard for some of us as women to accept assistance from the opposite sex? We address the negative impact of the “independent movement,” why I will never voluntarily be a stay-at-home mom a second time, striking a healthy balance between autonomy and dependency, and much more.

The Mother’s Day from Hell, Mark Cuban Was Right, Go Whoppi

The Quip/Now With Nicole Podcast

Air Date: 5/22/2014

Now With Nicole: Brian Banks’s Accuser Deserves Jail Time; Mark Cuban Is Right, Whoppi Goldberg Has a Point, A Disastrous Mother’s Day, Unrealistic Moral Expectations, and More

On today’s episode of The Quip- Brian Banks’s Accuser Getting Off With Just a Fine; Why Mark Cuban’s view of prejudice and bigotry is accurate; Whoopi Goldberg’s remarks about hitters should get hit back; A Unhappy Mother’s Day; False expectations by Christians of non-Christians and more.

My Experience as a Black Female Entrepreneur: Sexism, Corporate America, and Leaning In

In work or at play, is gender equality possible?

 As I reflect on a recent incident where someone tried to hide a sexist comment inside a not humorous joke, it reminded me of the numerous, similar encounters I had as an attorney in Corporate America before becoming an entrepreneur. One of those moments that immediately came to mind was when my opposing counsel told me that I was “pretty and all I had to do was flirt with the judge and we could get a continuance.”  In addition to this remark, he went on to patronize me seemingly due to our age difference.  When I think about this incident, I cannot help but wonder about the never ending discussion we unfortunately still have in America regarding the other “ism”- race.

More than racism, sexism has been a huge issue…

My experience as a Black woman, has been that more than racism, sexism has been a huge issue when it comes to being taken seriously as a professional and a human being in general.  In my life, I started experiencing gender biased treatment at an early age, and it is the cancer that remains without a cure even within my racial group.  Whether it is a professional setting or a personal setting, gender bias is something I have never been able to escape.  Even in the above story, the male colleague was Black.

 “America will elect a Black man before they will elect a woman…”

Another big moment I think about in regards to the race and gender question is the 2008 Presidential Election Race.  During this time, I heard many people, some privately and some publicly, comment that “America will elect a Black man before they will elect a woman” of any racial background.  Hillary Clinton subsequently went on to lose the Democratic Party’s nomination to President Barak Obama.  President Obama’s merit aside, did Hillary Clinton ever really stand a chance?  If she had won the Democratic Party’s nomination in 2008, would she really have gone on to be President?  Was America ready for its first female Chief Executive, or would it much rather have had a man of any race in such a high leadership position over a woman?

After leaving Corporate America and founding Now With Nicole, the level of professional bias I once experienced has greatly diminished.  Now, I sit here asking myself, “How many women who are entrepreneurs, or are considering becoming entrepreneurs, in part due to the high incidence of sexism in the workplace?”  “How many women have had such bad experiences that they are departing to form businesses where they primarily work with other women?”  Though leaving gender discrimination behind in an effort to pursue my entrepreneur calling was not the reason for my exit from the workforce, it has been a plus.  I wonder, however, if sexism is one of the reasons women are exiting corporate America and choosing to be entrepreneurs, is that a good or a bad thing in terms of social improvement?

Lean In?

Furthermore, if sexism is an issue and continues to be one, how many women who want to remain in Corporate America are truly going to be able to have the high-powered career, family, and white house with the picket fence?  In a world where gender inequality remains, how many women will break that glass ceiling and “Lean in?”

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