This past weekend, I was telling my husband that I was considering giving Jam a break this week. He’s been working really hard. More importantly, I am in constant prayer that the Lord guide me in our homeschooling and that I do it out of love- not fear. The truth is, a part of me does walk in fear because the only time his father and I are usually on the same page is when it comes to caring for him. While I have wanted to homeschool since day one, life events took us down the path of Christian education. I decided that since I was then a co-parent, if I could not educate him the best place was a private school.
In August of 2014, God told me it was time to pull him out. It was a scary proposition given that it required me really staying away from my former corporate job instead of waffling and going back ever so often for a quick economic boost to my entrepreneurship endeavors. Further, I dreadfully thought about a father’s response whose attitude about most things is so different than mine. I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed without a fight. I know it was a move of God. Nevertheless, I worried.
“Above all else, my goal is to train up this disciple. That is a mission that is bigger than any school subject or passing a test.”
Never mind that God has seen me through so many trials and battles, I walked in constant fear that things would change. I can tell myself it was because of our history, or I could tell myself the truth- it was about my lack of faith. Due to this lack of faith, I spent the first close to six months schooling in out of my ego. I wanted to make sure he had tons of written “proof” that he was learning and he did need to be in an institutionalized school. Since I’m being honest, I needed proof that I had made the right decision by suggesting we pull him out of the private school. All the work- and extra work- we did was to show that homeschooling was the right choice. In my pursuit of home education excellence, I would sometimes forget why God led me down this path in the first place. It was not to compete with an institutional school. It was not to show that I was “better” in human eyes than formal school educators. The purpose was for discipleship. Homeschooling is a ministry that is bigger than me.
Above all else, my goal is to train up this disciple. That is a mission that is bigger than any school subject or passing a test. I recently read the 2012 article “Why I (Almost) Gave Up Homeschooling” by, Edie Wadsworth, who was contemplating quitting at the time. What God showed her in this low moment was that homeschooling was foremost about a parent’s repentance and openness to learning from Him. It is not until we are ready to die to ourselves and be the student as well as the teacher will we be able to give our kids what God wants them to have.
While I am nowhere near the point of quitting, today my son told me that I work him too hard and he needs a break. I reflected back to what I told my husband, I read the above mentioned article, and I thanked God for confirmation that I can let go of ego (fear) and homeschool from the heart. I am thankful that he stopped me before Jam started to “hate” school like he started to feel before we began this ministry journey.